my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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