i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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