masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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