I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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