ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
