bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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