So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
