the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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