the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
