Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize