They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
