peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
