why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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