yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize