Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
