Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
