You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
