I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
