What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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