so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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