You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
