awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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