I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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