listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's rum buckets o'clock
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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