Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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