fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
why do cheetos always look like penises
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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