oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Randomize
