i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
