My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
