you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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