So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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