hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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