i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
