Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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