god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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