i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
