I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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