I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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