I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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