i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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