you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
