I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
