You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I need a beard to bite.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize