Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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