I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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