i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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