Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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