Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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