Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
