All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
