I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sext me about skeletons
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
