i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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