My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
