but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
