Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
