Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
