Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
