Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
