Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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