mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
People in love make me want to vomit
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
