Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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