i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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