and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
