All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
