I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
