Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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