last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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